Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Ups and downs

I was doing well, acceptance-wise. For about two weeks I was at peace and accepting of the infertility and ready to move on. I could look at babies, even hold babies, and not feel that tremendous pain. I was feeling good about how nice it is to have a mature self-sufficient child rather than a baby or toddler who needs constant attending. But then something happened. I crashed. I've been a barrel of near explosive anxiety for two days. It's not just the infertility, the bulk of the anxiety has to do with the fact that my other half is waiting for a date for surgery. Major surgery. And I'm trying to plan the next 12 weeks knowing that any minute now he's going to get a surgery date and I need to plan around it but I can't wait, I need to finalize commitments in the next two days. The last thing I should be worrying about is an IVF consult appointment. But I am and I don't know why. I can't seem to motivate myself to get other things done. I'm at the brink of tears day and night. I started running again, which only helps temporarily, and really does feel like a brief chance to "run away" from the anxiety that is eating me alive.

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