Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Panic attack!

I don't want to trivialize the experience of people with panic attacks. I think I'm just having very mild ones. But they are interfering with my ingenious plan to work from home as much as possible. We are closing in on the likely timeframe for my husband's surgery. His major major surgery. But we still haven't been given a date. Our reproductive endocrinologist (RE - the fertility doc) is aware of how quickly it is likely to happen, and is working with us to freeze some sperm. But no date for that either. I wish I could carry on full steam ahead like he is with an attitude of "get as much done before they call" but I can't seem to do that. Instead I'm having regular panic attacks. Sometimes it's a near paralyzing anxiety that keeps me from doing anything except reading my fertility board. Sometimes it's heart pounding, racing, or whatever that was last night - it seemed to be composing a hip-hop song with a crazy irrational beat. I haven't even gotten dressed yet this morning and I'm already paralysed. I have a meeting at 9:30, it's 9:05 and I'm in my robe. Luckily it's online and no one can see me, but I can't go for a run until it's over.

I only have two tricks up my sleeve to cope with this right now. One is running. I literally feel like I am running away from the anxiety, and while I'm running it feels like it's working, but it doesn't seem to last.

The other is SleepyTime Tea, coupled with something mindless like a talk show to distract and sedate me ever so slightly. It gets my heart rate back down closer to normal, but I don't seem to settle enough to concentrate on any work. And it seems strange to drink it so early in the day.

It's taking everything I have to keep up, to keep going. On the days I go in to my office, I'm pretty effective, and they end up being long days. So far, no one is the wiser. I was waiting until we have a date set to tell my boss what's going on. I was tempted to tell him on Friday. Now I'm tempted to tell him this week. I'm not sure what would happen if I needed to take stress leave for a few weeks, it's not like someone can just come and take over for me. Can they? What would happen if I were hit by a bus and in a coma for 6 weeks? There must be a contingency plan. My contingency plan has never extended beyond a day or two.

9:18 am. Time to shake it off as best I can. Get dressed. Eat something. I can do this.

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