Surviving the thaw

We froze a sperm sample last week in advance of the super major endocrine crashing surgery (for which we still don't have a date). They take the sample, divide it into 8 "straws" and then this morning they thawed one to test. The good news is they survived the thaw. The bad news is that enough survived for ICSI, but not for natural fertilization. I was hoping to avoid ICSI. A big part is the extra cost. $1500. Not covered by OHIP. Nor is the sperm banking by the way, even though both have become "medically necessary".

FYI - the original page from which I found this image is well worth a read, 

I mean with a headline like "will swallowing semen make my girlfriend gain weight" how could you resist?

Under normal circumstances, the "best" sperm win the race. This is what makes me nervous about ICSI. Despite what the clinic doctors said, I am an avid pubmed user and I know there is data out there to suggest that there may be more risks of fetal abnormalities with ICSI simply because the best, healthiest sperm didn't win the race. Whether the sperm was not strong enough to do the job on his or her own, or whether the egg was developing a harder less penetrable zona (shell if you will, although it's not a shell per se), the need for ICSI arises when one or both parties are not in tip-top shape. It's giving a helping hand sometimes to genetic material that otherwise wouldn't make the cut. It's not the process of ICSI, it's the selection of sperm to use. The success rate for ICSI (and there are twice as many as non-ICSI IVF done in my clinic) is not nearly as good. This, and the studies that show more potential problems with ICSI outcomes all reflect pre-existing problems. If only a small number of sperm survive the thaw, they are clearly the best, so I guess the selection process is pretty simple. It just makes me nervous. I wanted to make this as natural as possible, just by-passing my damaged tubes. I want minimal ovarian stimulation. I want 6 follicles. I want them to fertilize because they want to, because they are healthy, and develop the same way, and I dream of 3-4 good embryos, transfer one and freeze the rest for later. And never have to do another retrieval cycle. Maybe I'm being naive.

I also had a dream the other night that I was asked to care for 3 foster babies, infants, but they were all boys and all I could think was why are they all boys? I hope it's not a sign.

Weighty issues

Before I moved last year I was at a svelte 133lbs (give or take a pound), and comfortably sporting size 4. I'd completely revamped my wardrobe in size 4. I'm only 5'2" so don't get too too jealous, I was still at a BMI of 24, but life was good and I was pleased, even if everything was still flabby and no way was I going to wear a bikini. Since I moved,  and we started trying to get pregnant, it creeped up. Just a tad, but I'm sitting at 140 and have been for a few months. I let this happen. First, because every month I assumed I'd be in maternity clothes in no time, and second, because my stupid hormones give me almost constant mild morning sickness (and have for the past 4 years) that is effectively managed with the same trick as real morning sickness - food. Carbs and nuts especially. At some point along the line I discovered that B6 and magnesium supplements keep the queasiness at bay, so now my only excuse was not to introduce a diet or new workout because maybe this month will be my month.

When I got my diagnosis and it started to sink in, and I started to think I'd never be pregnant again, I searched for a 30-day-abs program that a friend had posted on Facebook a while back. I was planning to start, but never got around to it. Where have we heard that before? I did start randomly doing cardio, but life gets in the way sometimes (again, if you let it). Now that I'm hoping to have a successful IVF before the year is out, getting those washboard abs I never had seems silly. I should still do more cardio, and I should still drop 5-10 lbs so my pants fit again, but who cares about abs.

Well, I've found my calling. The totally-won't-be-undone-by-pregnancy 30-day-ARMS! Thank you Jodi Higgs!

Day 1 - success!

Panic attack!

I don't want to trivialize the experience of people with panic attacks. I think I'm just having very mild ones. But they are interfering with my ingenious plan to work from home as much as possible. We are closing in on the likely timeframe for my husband's surgery. His major major surgery. But we still haven't been given a date. Our reproductive endocrinologist (RE - the fertility doc) is aware of how quickly it is likely to happen, and is working with us to freeze some sperm. But no date for that either. I wish I could carry on full steam ahead like he is with an attitude of "get as much done before they call" but I can't seem to do that. Instead I'm having regular panic attacks. Sometimes it's a near paralyzing anxiety that keeps me from doing anything except reading my fertility board. Sometimes it's heart pounding, racing, or whatever that was last night - it seemed to be composing a hip-hop song with a crazy irrational beat. I haven't even gotten dressed yet this morning and I'm already paralysed. I have a meeting at 9:30, it's 9:05 and I'm in my robe. Luckily it's online and no one can see me, but I can't go for a run until it's over.

I only have two tricks up my sleeve to cope with this right now. One is running. I literally feel like I am running away from the anxiety, and while I'm running it feels like it's working, but it doesn't seem to last.

The other is SleepyTime Tea, coupled with something mindless like a talk show to distract and sedate me ever so slightly. It gets my heart rate back down closer to normal, but I don't seem to settle enough to concentrate on any work. And it seems strange to drink it so early in the day.

It's taking everything I have to keep up, to keep going. On the days I go in to my office, I'm pretty effective, and they end up being long days. So far, no one is the wiser. I was waiting until we have a date set to tell my boss what's going on. I was tempted to tell him on Friday. Now I'm tempted to tell him this week. I'm not sure what would happen if I needed to take stress leave for a few weeks, it's not like someone can just come and take over for me. Can they? What would happen if I were hit by a bus and in a coma for 6 weeks? There must be a contingency plan. My contingency plan has never extended beyond a day or two.

9:18 am. Time to shake it off as best I can. Get dressed. Eat something. I can do this.