The lies we tell ourselves.

For months I have prepared myself that regardless of the outcome, this was the end of my road, nothing more to do. But unlike Forrest Gump, I've reached the end but I find I can't just turn around and go home and declare the whole thing over.

I know I'm done with IVF. We threw the kitchen sink at that last round and still nothing. I don't regret trying, had I not I would always wonder "what if" because until I went through it I thought it would be my magic cure, and given my age, wasting time wasn't an option. Donors and surrogates - I don't think that's for me. Instead I find myself entertaining two options: Traditional Chinese Medicine and Laproscopic Surgery. Both long-shots, but what do I have to lose? The journey continues in 2015 when I will schedule my first consultation with a specialist in gynaecological TCM.

IVF symptoms

If there is any "pro" to having IVF, it's that you get the fun of symptoms before the embryos are even back in your body. It makes it a bit easier to ignore symptoms and say "it's just the progesterone" - which is the cause of most symptoms. If you can keep telling yourself that, you will maintain your sanity much better during the dreaded wait until you know if it worked or not.

So for my sanity, I'm documenting all my symptoms of this frozen transfer cycle. Medications are estrace (6mg/day until transfer, 4mg after) and prometrium (600mg/day)

Progesterone (before transfer): sleepy, lethargic, unmotivated, depressed, breast swelling, IBS aggravated, insomnia, acne.

day 5: mild cramping (6 hrs after transfer)
day 6: mild burning, fluttering (36 hrs after transfer)
day 9: headache, bloating
day 10: cramps (from increased activity & lifting), bloating
day 11: bloating
day 19: still just bloating and cramps from too much walking
beta drawn: less than 6 (negative).

5-6 weeks: just bloating, extra weight in hips, bum, thighs (despite scale remaining stable), breast swelling, everything else has eased. There is no good reason to be taking the hormones now, this is more of an experiment (in denial). Lasted just over six week mark when spotting began, so that answers that question.

As disappointed as I am in the negative result, part of me is eager to get off the meds, drink some coffee and get back to my usual self (after a month of progesterone-induced and caffeine-lacking drowsiness). I'd rather be pregnant, but there isn't much worse than feeling pregnant for no good reason.

Last chance

After a good long break (there were other things going on that made me wait this long), today I transferred my one frozen blastocyst from March. The frozen cycle was a lot easier than a fresh cycle - no injections, just oral estrogen and progesterone suppositories, no blood tests, and only one vaginal ultrasound to check my lining. The most stressful part about it was worrying that it wouldn't survive the thaw.

But it did. The lab thawed it yesterday afternoon and it was still growing strong this morning before transfer. Everything went well during the transfer (I forgot how uncomfortable are speculums, but the catheter was smooth and no cramping). I've been resting for the past 6 hours, and while it's hard to ignore "symptoms" I'm going to try and just remain optimistic that this one is the one.